Not My Birthday

What's a girl to do?

Scene 1

For a few groceries and some Advil, I owed my mother 40 bucks. She shunned my offer of a cheque and said, "Don't worry, you can pay me later."

"No, it's okay, I can give this to you now. You're leaving for Arizona and I won't see you for a while."

"No. Don't worry. You can pay me later since you're not feeling well."

"It's okay, really. Here's a cheque."

"No, I don't want you to worry about this now. We'll make it your birthday present - for next year."

[Seriously. She said it. Out loud. My birthday for this year had just expired. Read my internal monologue: Take the freaking money before I pound you one!]

"I'm fine. Take the cheque."

Cheque in hand, mother, father and sister left to celebrate my nephew's birthday.

Scene 2

Two days later, mother sent dad back to pick up an old set of golf clubs I was giving her to play with in Arizona.

"Please, take them. They haven't been used for four years. I'm happy to see them used."

"Are you sure? What if you decide you need them? I don't want to take your clubs."

"Go ahead. I haven't golfed in four years, so take them and enjoy."

"Okay, but we can ship them back if you want them."

"Sure."

[Whatever. Two hours later, my mother had an idea and called to tell me about it.]

"I just wanted to let you know I've decided not to cash your cheque."

"Why?"

"Consider it rent for your clubs."

"That's not necessary, but thanks."

"I just feel so guilty taking your clubs."

[Yeah. I think I'll reach for a kitchen knife and cut this one off.]

Scene 3

"Hey, dad. How's Arizona?"

"Great. We've setteld in. Had a lot of work to do at first, but the new retirement condo in Leisure World is looking good."

"That's nice. What have you been doing to relax?"

"Oh, well, I should tell you that your clubs never made it to Arizona."

"Oh really? How come?"

"Well, they are big and bulky and it was just too much to ship. Would've been at least 50 bucks."

[No shit, Sherlock. I'm the one who spent an hour rearranging my storage room to dig the suckers out of their cave before loading them into your filthy over-filled bumble-bee yellow Mazda.]

"Hm. To bad. Well, next time?"

"Actually, we went to an orphanage and they were having a fundraiser. Turns out we were able to buy a set of clubs for 10 bucks. Can't beat that, eh?"

"Nope. Can't beat that." For the love of...

Looks like I may take up golfing again, 'cause that 40 bucks I saved will be just enough to cover the greens fees. Thanks for the round, Mom.